Sheltered Sanity

I’ve stolen this entry from the husband because it’s good stuff. I’d like to point out, however, that he long ago learned that what’s mine in life is mine and what’s his in life is also mine. So it’s not technically stealing. ♥

45 Life Lessons
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer
rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone…

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your
friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what
their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t
worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second
one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take
no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy
lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion, Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five
years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone and everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything
you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone
else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

I know that I’m a pretty stellar mom. I can be too selfish and too forthright at times, but overall, the proof is in the pudding. And I have good pudding.
But sometimes I amaze myself at my less-than-stellar moments.
There was the time I had to call Charlie home from work because I was afraid I might clobber my darling daughter for spilling a million gallons of soup on the kitchen floor. It was more like 8 gallons, but still.
There was also the time I watched my sons face drain in color when I gave a verbal full-monty lecture of the birds and the bees. When he was 5. Eh hem.
Then there was the time when I told my kids that “bukkake” was slang for “bullcrap” and I thought it sounded like such a fun word that I gave them permission to sing its praises over and over again.

Yes, bukkake.
No, I am not going to explain exactly what bukkake is. If you are scratching your head and drawing a blank as to what in the hell I’m posting about, a simple Google search will clear that confusion. Just make sure there are no children around when you do. Or that you’re not on a work computer that monitors internet activity. Trust me when I say that it would be an extremely awkward conversation with managment.

I suppose I’m more of a prude than I let on -not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, but I thought I was a pretty enlightened person when it came to sexual slang and terminology. I was wrong. But, not completely. I say that because as the word rolled off the tongues of my beautiful spawn something in the back of my head thought, hmmm, this isn’t right. I’ve never used the word that I’m aware of, but apparently I’ve kept company with people who have because a deep rooted memory was making its way to the surface and I had an inkling that I might have been making up my interpretation of what it meant.

You might be wondering how, exactly, does one land in such a predicament in the first place. If you’re like me, it probably doesn’t take much. But this particular superbad mom moment came about because I was knee deep in a road rage moment and rather than say “this is bullshit” (which trust me, is a million-trillion times better than saying “this is bukkake” to your children), I said “bullkaki”. It was close enough relation to “bullkaka” and nothing to fret about. Oh, what tangled webs we weave when we try to make up silly vernacular. Bullkaki sounded hilarious and I repeated it several times causing great laughter from the backseat. Then I decided the l’s were getting in the way. Thus, “bukaki” birthed itself and I thought it would translate nicely as a PG version of bullshit.
(Please note that I did not ask for this brain. It just happened.)

So there the three of us were -mother and children- saying bukaki (nearly exact pronunciation of bukkake) repeatedly and giggling our heads off as we rolled up to the entrance gate of the base. The familiar cop asked me what we were laughing about and I swear to almighty I was –>thisclose< -- to simply saying "bukkake" and driving off. Thank the merciful foot-in-mouth gods that I did not. But suddenly I became acutely aware that something was amiss. I told the kids that it might be a real word and that it might even be an inappropriate word, but I wasn't sure. Being immature, however, I continued to say it anytime my daughter opened her mouth to say something other than bukkake.

We were all in hysterics by the time we got to the house because, as I've said a hundred times before, yes, we amuse easily.
Charlie was on the couch and I stopped to ask him if he knew what bukkake meant. Being even more prude than me, he did not. That's when I decided a trip to Wiki was in order.

Holy four.letter.word.
I felt utterly and grossly ashamed to call myself a mother after learning its proper meaning knowing that just moments ago my children were shouting it with gusto. With emergency like reflexes I ran to each of them and told them that under no circumstance are they ever allowed to say that word again. Ever. I made them pinky swear, which is the holy grail of truth in our home. I can only hope that they don't go to their friends with this new word and inquire if they know what it means. Crimony. Can you imagine that call from the school?

There is something to be said for honesty and for children hearing the truth from their parents. But some things, things like bukkake for instance, are better left out of those tender heart-to-heart life lesson conversations. I hope they never learn what it means, but if they do, I hope they don't remember the car ride home that day when their mother first planted the bukkake seed.

(*giggles* horrible, horrible choice of wording.)